If He numbers every star and cares for every sparrow, how in the world is there time left for me?

If He has ordered every step and fought every battle, how is there energy left for me?

If all creatures are provided for and all souls are accounted for, how do I matter?

The concepts of the verses mentioned above, meant to bring comfort, have always caught me a little off guard. God seems so busy. He has so many important things on his to-do list, how in the world do I matter to Him?

As a human, I struggle to simply take care of the things spinning in my world—work, relationships, school, myself, etc.; it all seems so overwhelming at times, or most of the time even. It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the concept of omnipresence—the idea that God is in all places at all times and that not only is He present, but His presence can be felt in all situations.

The fact that God loves each individual one of us enough to be present at all times is just simply astounding to me, of all the important things in life, I seem so small.

My thought in writing this was not simply to question things or marvel at the concepts of God, in fact, that wasn’t even on my mind when I started. I’ve felt this desire to return to my writing, and my best thoughts usually aren’t the ones I have planned in advance. I’ve been challenged to use the gifts God has given me and while I don’t know that writing or communicating is the best talent God has given me, I have a history with it and I feel a pull toward it. It isn’t easy, per se, but it’s comforting and I feel a connection through it, not necessarily because I can connect to others, but it helps me to sort through the thoughts and the mess to find and see Jesus in the middle of it, which I hope can, in turn, provide the connection to others.

It’s been such a long time since I’ve found myself in this place that it’s difficult to know where to start. I find my thoughts rolling through a hundred things I wanted to write about but talked myself out of. The one that got me to open the journal again was a pretty recent revelation.

Loss is hard. It’s hard to see your people experience it, hard to talk about, and really hard to work through yourself sometimes. Everyone I know has experience with loss, but it doesn’t seem that anyone’s experience can make yours any easier. I think it is just a part of our human walk that we have to, at some point, face loss and grief and sadness and learn to walk through it.

This is where I’ve been lately. I’ve been here before, it isn’t new, but I think each time is different.

God puts things in our paths that don’t always make sense until we see the bigger picture later. For the past few months, a recurrent worship song in church has been “I Trust in God,” originally by Elevation Worship.

“I sought the Lord and He heard and He answered
That’s why I trust Him

That’s why I trust in God, my Savior
The one who will never fail
He will never fail”

Great song, right? God never fails. We know it’s a fact, but what happens when He answers and it isn’t what we wanted? Or He answers, and it allows pain or sadness?

We are called to trust and have faith no matter the outcomes, and I will. I love God and have walked through enough to know the plan is always greater. I know I can’t see it, but He is always working things together for good.

But even knowing that singing this song Sunday after Sunday for the past few weeks has brought tears to my eyes every time. Knowing I do trust Him, but that doesn’t take away the pain. Knowing He will not fail but wondering why things had to be this way.

I am at a mature point in my walk with Christ that part of me feels like I’m in tears because I’m upset and I don’t understand, but the other half of me feels such a peace in this. Such a peace in trusting God, knowing if I seek Him, He will hear and He will answer.

I was pondering verses the other day, trying to figure out what there is to learn in all this and what I’m meant to take away.

Some of the biggest growth for me in my relationship with Christ has happened in times of brokenness. This brought to mind the verse that blessed are the brokenhearted. A verse I assumed was in Matthew, alongside the other statements in the Sermon on the Mount, which has been a focus of study for the Wednesday night youth crew. It made sense to me that it easily came to mind so I flipped right to where I thought it was and couldn’t find what I was looking for. Matthew 5 states “Blessed are the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and those who are persecuted.”

This couldn’t be right; I was just sure I remembered the brokenhearted being blessed. In fact, I had already made connections I wanted to discuss here: that the brokenhearted must be blessed for the opportunity to rely on God and that brokenness presents the opportunity to seek God.

The only problem with those statements is that they rely on us, the broken, to work to find comfort in God. I did a quick Google search and found the verse I really did recall, Psalm 34:18.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Wow. this takes my points and tosses them out the window. David writes that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. He doesn’t say the brokenhearted have the opportunity to seek God; rather, He is already there.

This alone blows my mind a little bit; I’ve always had to fight the little voice telling me it’s all on me, figure it out, work hard enough, be good enough. However, if this isn’t enough, taking in the whole passage, I am stunned to read Psalm 34:4, just a few lines up.

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears.’

The song we had been singing over and over that continually brought up emotion laid out right in front of me yet again. In a verse I wasn’t even expecting to read. I sought the Lord, and He heard, and He answered. That’s why I trust Him.

Because He cares, because as I am stumbling through how to use a gift I feel He has given me, He points it all back to Him. For His glory.

He cares for the sparrows and numbered the stars, yet He still takes time for me.

He has ordered every step and fought every battle, yet he shows up for me.

All creatures are provided for, and all souls are accounted for, yet to Him, I matter.

That he would have ordered so many things out of my control simply for me to find comfort in them is breathtaking to me. Not only is He present, but He has a presence and provides intentional attention and care.

How a God big enough to create the Heavens and the Earth has time for me is beyond me, but that is part of what makes my God so great and why I trust Him.

I serve a loving and caring God. Not one that does these things in a general sense, but a God who intentionally and individually loves and cares for me.

What peace and comfort that brings.