I’ve been learning a lot about what it means to be a disciple. A disciple is a follower or student of a teacher or leader. In this context, I first consider the most famous disciples in history: the 12 men following Jesus.

I’ve always had a pretty romanticized view of the Bible. This first started to shift when I took a couple college classes about the Bible. I took classes about the New Testament, the Old Testament, the life of Paul, the teachings of Jesus, and so on. This is a little unique because I did not attend a private Christian college. I attended a state school, and my professor would invite us to listen to him play piano at the local wine bar on Thursdays after class.

That said, I’m pretty sure my professor wasn’t a Baptist, but he was an interesting guy from whom I learned much. He had to walk a pretty narrow line in presenting only factual information; in fact, he made it a point never to share his own belief or denomination. This created an environment where, for the first time, I started looking at the Bible like I would a history textbook.

I didn’t grow up in church; although I had parents who I fully believe love the Lord, my family didn’t prioritize church and corporate worship. I walked through most of my youth feeling like I was going to go to Heaven. If you had asked me, I would have said that I loved Jesus, I worked hard to follow the rules and did my best to be a good person. I had said the prayer and all the right words at a VBS when I was 7 so I was covered.

It wasn’t until I was 18 years old, the summer before college, that I somehow ended up on the leadership team during church camp, helping walk a girl through the decision to “rededicate” her life to Christ, only to realize she had never truly given her life to Christ the first time. As I walked through that guide with her, feeling so confident because I knew all the right things to say. Especially since I had rededicated my life only weeks before, I heard her story, and my whole world stopped. We were talking through her salvation story, which was almost identical to mine, then a question in the guide gently asked if the pull was truly a step back to Christ or a full surrender for the first time.

As soon as she started working through that with me and walking down that road, I was uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure I knew the right words anymore, and truthfully, I started to question what I had been certain of only moments before. I don’t remember her name, where she was from or any other identifying details, but i remember that pull in my heart. The immediate urge I felt to talk this through with someone and unpack it.

Later that night, talking with my best friend and one of the best adult ladies I knew, I realized the reality of where I was sitting. I had gone my whole life depending on the words I had said, and the works I was sure were adding up to enough to point toward my worth. I did not know true salvation. I didn’t have a genuine relationship with the Lord.

The beauty of realizing this truth was the opportunity to take the lifeline I had been thrown and accept the gift of Jesus. I’ll never forget the immediate joy of that moment.

That was a long detour to help illustrate where I was when I took those classes in college. I wasn’t mature in my faith, and I certainly wasn’t abundantly knowledgeable about scripture. The stories of the Bible still danced in my head as if they were in the picture Bible kiddos receive when they move from the Nursery into the Kid’s ministry.

This shift toward viewing the Bible differently has only continued to grow and change. Understanding the book as true history helped to solidify my belief and understanding. I’m a person who loves logic and reality, so knowing that after all these years, not only is it all likely, but nobody has been able to find a flaw in it. That goes a long way for me.

Lately, I’ve been forced to lean into the idea of life application and how the Living Word is applicable today. There have been so many lessons lately about how important it was for the Israelites to not get it right every time, how vital it was that people like Jonah and Moses hesitated at times, and how fruitful it is to know that even when hearing the audible voice of God, Eve still chose to eat the fruit. (Yes, the pun was intended.)

In all seriousness, what little impact would the stories of the Bible have had if there had never been a struggle, never consequences of judgment, and never real people feeling real feelings and acting accordingly? We couldn’t relate. It would fall on deaf ears and be a book about unattainable perfection. If the Old Testament was filled with antithesis stories of the ones we have, there would be no Jesus.

At times, I catch myself wondering what in the world these characters are thinking and then later realize they were thinking exactly what I probably would have been.

So here I am today, wrestling with what it looks like to not only be a disciple of Jesus but also to disciple others to be followers of Jesus as we are called to do, and I can’t help but be thankful that the people Jesus chose to be his “12” were ordinary, sinful people.

I’ve been feeling so unsettled lately. I feel like I can’t move fast enough and can’t seem to get it right, find the right words, or find the right balance. I seem to second-guess or question all the moves I’m making. At the end of the day, I feel like I am so unsure of myself that I don’t have any choice but to entirely rely on the Holy Spirit and praise the Lord for that.

I can’t imagine how the disciples felt when they started moving independently, mobilizing people, performing miracles, and speaking as they had watched Jesus do. It had to be at least a little terrifying. Then, I dove into that feeling and thought it had to be intentional.

If the goal is to follow Jesus and bring others along with us, there’s no room for our own confidence or ego. The minute I start feeling like “I’ve got this,” my human nature kicks in, and I turn toward my personal feelings instead of letting the Lord sustain me.

Do I think this feeling lasts indefinitely? No. But it seems like stage one of learning to do this God’s way and not my way. It feels like the correction we give toddlers as they learn things for the first time; our reaction has to be significant, consistent, and clear when we tell them not to run in the street or put their hand on the stove so they know and understand the danger behind those actions.

Then, as they grow and mature, they need less correction; they know what is expected and have learned to walk in the way they are told. Not to say a correction isn’t required, sometimes in a big way, but the constant feeling isn’t the shaky reliance on a parent as they learn to walk, but rather doing life side by side and in step with each other.

Maybe that’s an oversimplification, and perhaps I’ll feel differently the further along I get on this journey. I know my reliance on Jesus and my need for the Holy Spirit will never change; I think I just hope it becomes more of a default setting in my heart rather than a balance beam I feel like I keep accidentally stepping off of.

All those rambling thoughts, just to gain a little clarity and perspective. What creative lengths our Father will go to help us understand. Oh, how He loves us.